An Honest Reflection Of My Life Right Now

An honest reflection of my life right now.

This is hard to write. I think the hardest part about it is that I don’t know what to write.

But I do know that I need to share it.

Something about sharing this on the internet scares me, but it is the reason I am doing what I do. I am here to share my own journey and inspire you to embark on one of your own as well. That doesn’t just mean sharing the good moments. It means sharing the bad moments too.

So here is me sharing my story:

I moved into the dorms at my college in January. This is technically my first semester of college as, last time, I took a medical leave of absence. Months ago, I ended up in the hospital with learned responses from PANDAS disorder messing with my every move. For those who don’t know my story with PANDAS disorder, you can read more about it here.

Though I have not been sick with PANDAS disorder for a few years now, it plagues my life. When I get overly stressed, my mind frantically searches for answers and decides that a response I had years ago with PANDAS disorder will protect me.

I did my best to hide it. My voice had gone back to being childlike again, forming full sentences was hard, and I was unable to make decisions. I was lost once again.

I wrote a bit about this on my Instagram, but I spent the semester at home recovering and taking a much-needed break. It went well and I was ready to move back into my dorm come the spring semester. I have been here since January and am both loving and hating it.

Being at college is stressful. I enjoy my classes but can’t shake the feeling that I’m not putting my priorities in place. Growing Eunoia is my dream. It is a piece of my heart and I know now that it takes priority over a lot of things, including school. Of course, my mental health, family, and all other relationships come first. But the stress of classes and tests was one that I was not prepared for. My emotions shift from day to day. The weekends seem more needed than they have in years.

I feel lost and I’ve finally learned to accept that that is okay.

I have no idea where I will be in a few months or years. Will I decide to stay in school or move full-time to Eunoia? I do not know. I am living in the unknown yesterday, today, and tomorrow. It’s a scary feeling, but it’s one that I think each of us humans has felt or will feel in life.

What I’ve learned these last few months is that life is tricky. Life is wild but there is always a way to make it your own. It might not feel like it. It might be terrifying, but I promise you are not alone.

I’ve said it before and I will say it again- at Eunoia, we are in this together. Each of us is growing and learning, myself included. So, thank you to all of you here, and thank you for sharing this journey with me.

We are building our lives one step at a time.

I love you humans so much and I promise to continue sharing my story with you.

Wishing the best weekend to you all.

~ Alessia Maria